Classes for Women at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

By December 31, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2

Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase–Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum.

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Kate Chopin (1894)

Knowing that Mrs. Mallard was afflicted with a heart trouble, great care was taken to break to her as gently as possible the news of her husband’s death.

It was her sister Josephine who told her, in broken sentences; veiled hints that revealed in half concealing. Her husband’s friend Richards was there, too, near her. It was he who had been in the newspaper office when intelligence of the railroad disaster was received, with Brently Mallard’s name leading the list of “killed.” He had only taken the time to assure himself of its truth by a second telegram, and had hastened to forestall any less careful, less tender friend in bearing the sad message.

She did not hear the story as many women have heard the same, with a paralyzed inability to accept its significance. She wept at once, with sudden, wild abandonment, in her sister’s arms. When the storm of grief had spent itself she went away to her room alone. She would have no one follow her.

There stood, facing the open window, a comfortable, roomy armchair. Into this she sank, pressed down by a physical exhaustion that haunted her body and seemed to reach into her soul.

She could see in the open square before her house the tops of trees that were all aquiver with the new spring life. The delicious breath of rain was in the air. In the street below a peddler was crying his wares. The notes of a distant song which some one was singing reached her faintly, and countless sparrows were twittering in the eaves.

There were patches of blue sky showing here and there through the clouds that had met and piled one above the other in the west facing her window.

She sat with her head thrown back upon the cushion of the chair, quite motionless, except when a sob came up into her throat and shook her, as a child who has cried itself to sleep continues to sob in its dreams.

She was young, with a fair, calm face, whose lines bespoke repression and even a certain strength. But now there was a dull stare in her eyes, whose gaze was fixed away off yonder on one of those patches of blue sky. It was not a glance of reflection, but rather indicated a suspension of intelligent thought.

There was something coming to her and she was waiting for it, fearfully. What was it? She did not know; it was too subtle and elusive to name. But she felt it, creeping out of the sky, reaching toward her through the sounds, the scents, and the color that filled the air.

Now her bosom rose and fell tumultuously. She was beginning to recognize this thing that was approaching to possess her, and she was striving to beat it back with her will–as powerless as her two white slender hands would have been. When she abandoned herself a little whispered word escaped her slightly parted lips. She said it over and over under the breath: “free, free, free!” The vacant stare and the look of terror that had followed it went from her eyes. They stayed keen and bright. Her pulses beat fast, and the coursing blood warmed and relaxed every inch of her body.

She did not stop to ask if it were or were not a monstrous joy that held her. A clear and exalted perception enabled her to dismiss the suggestion as trivial. She knew that she would weep again when she saw the kind, tender hands folded in death; the face that had never looked save with love upon her, fixed and gray and dead. But she saw beyond that bitter moment a long procession of years to come that would belong to her absolutely. And she opened and spread her arms out to them in welcome.

There would be no one to live for during those coming years; she would live for herself. There would be no powerful will bending hers in that blind persistence with which men and women believe they have a right to impose a private will upon a fellow-creature. A kind intention or a cruel intention made the act seem no less a crime as she looked upon it in that brief moment of illumination.

And yet she had loved him–sometimes. Often she had not. What did it matter! What could love the unsolved mystery, count for in the face of this possession of self-assertion which she suddenly recognized as the strongest impulse of her being!

“Free! Body and soul free!” she kept whispering.

Josephine was kneeling before the closed door with her lips to the keyhole, imploring for admission. “Louise, open the door! I beg; open the door–you will make yourself ill. What are you doing, Louise? For heaven’s sake open the door.”

“Go away. I am not making myself ill.” No; she was drinking in a very elixir of life through that open window.

Her fancy was running riot along those days ahead of her. Spring days, and summer days, and all sorts of days that would be her own. She breathed a quick prayer that life might be long. It was only yesterday she had thought with a shudder that life might be long.

She arose at length and opened the door to her sister’s importunities. There was a feverish triumph in her eyes, and she carried herself unwittingly like a goddess of Victory. She clasped her sister’s waist, and together they descended the stairs. Richards stood waiting for them at the bottom.

Some one was opening the front door with a latchkey. It was Brently Mallard who entered, a little travel-stained, composedly carrying his grip-sack and umbrella. He had been far from the scene of the accident, and did not even know there had been one. He stood amazed at Josephine’s piercing cry; at Richards’ quick motion to screen him from the view of his wife.

When the doctors came they said she had died of heart disease–of the joy that kills.

“United States Ship” is applied to warships (combat vessels);

Other designations include:

USNS- United States Naval Ship, these are auxiliary type ships, such as tankers, supply and ordinance vessels, as well as naval research vessels, salvage, and generally any non-warship operated by the Navy

M/V- Merchant vessel, this would be civilian, and include freighters, container ships, ferries, cruise ships and super tankers.

F/V- Fishing vessel, kind of self explanatory.

The Moondog

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’….and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair…

The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades – King David,

Hearts – Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence e on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil? A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father’s Day

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase…’Goodnight, sleep tight’

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups when they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries…

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t#9 on this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND

FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

You know you want to! Go lick your elbow.

The New Busy thinks 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.

The New Busy is not the old busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox. Get started.

FIRE SALE: iPads for $23.74?

SPECIAL REPORT: iPads are being auctioned for an incredible 85% off!

THE MAN RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

FINALLY, THE GUYS’ SIDE OF THE STORY.

(I MUST ADMIT, IT’S PRETTY GOOD.)

WE ALWAYS HEAR”THE RULES”

FROM THE FEMALE SIDE….

NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE… THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED “1”

ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.

YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN.

WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.

YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS, IT’S LIKE THE FULL MOON

OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.

LET IT BE.

1… CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!

STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!

OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!

JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S WHAT WE DO.

SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.

IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.

DON’T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING

OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.

NOT BOTH.

IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS…

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.

PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.

WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY “NOTHING,” WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG.

WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE…

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE… REALLY.

1. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL

OR HOCKEY OR FOOTBALL.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.

YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;

BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON’T MIND THAT? IT’S LIKE CAMPING.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN –

TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN –

TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH.

It was a tough year, but I made it!!!

But not everyone is as lucky as I am……

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald’s, and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ‘ounce’.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Haile Salassie I (1892-1975)

Ethiopian Emperor from 1930 to 1974.

Haile Salassie I, was originally called Ras (Prince) Tafari Makonnen. He took the name Haile Selassie, meaning “Instrument in the Power of the Trinity,” when he became emperor. His early life was marked by tragedy. His 10 brothers and sisters were killed in a boating accident when he was a child, and his father died when he was 15. Ras Tafari was crowned Emperor on November 2, 1930, after the death of Empress Zauditu. He took the title Haile Selassie I, King of Kings, Conquering Lion of Judea, and Elect of God, and immediately moved to establish Ethiopia as a modern state. He abolished slavery, instituted a constitution, and set up an appointed, advisory parliament and a more modern judiciary.

In 1935, Italy, which already controlled Eritrea and Italian Somaliland, invaded Ethiopia. Though Ethiopia was able to field an army of 1,000,000 men, it was not able to cope with air strikes, poison gas warfare, and modern mechanized assault tactics. Haile Salassie I was forced to flee in 1936, but return in 1941 when the British, with the aid of Ethiopian guerrillas, recaptured the country.

Under Haile Salassie I, Ethiopia became one of the charter members of the United Nations, and a leader in the establishment of the Organization of African Unity. When he first came to power, there were fewer than 10 schools throughout the country. Twenty- five (25) years later there were over 10,000. His autocratic rule, combined with famine in the Horn of Africa, resulted in unrest in the 1960s. He was over-thrown by a military coup in 1974 and murdered the following year. In addition to his legacy in Ethiopia, Haile Selassie I became one focus of Rastafarianism, a religion in Jamaica that derives its name from Haile Selassie’s original name, Ras Tafari

RASTAFARIANISM: A religion that developed in Jamaica in the 1930s and that continues to have a widespread impact. Rastafarians believe that the Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie I was a direct descendant of the biblical King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba and was a living god. The Belief in the holiness of Haile Selassie derived from Marcus Garvey’s prophecy that an African King will arise who would unite all the black peoples in the world. Rastafarians do not cut their hair, nor does the men shave, their hair hangs in long twisted strands “dreadlocks”. Rastafarians see themselves as the reincarnation of the ancient Hebrews of Israel, and their interpretation of biblical scriptures differs substantially from mainstream Christian and Jewish doctrine. Rastafarian beliefs focus on the oppression of black peoples around the world, the future overthrow of wicked, repressive governments (referred to symbolically as Babylon), and the eventual triumph of the poor and righteous. Though many Rastafarians are vegetarians and refrain from using alcoholic beverages, the use of marijuana or “ganja”, is an important part of various Rasta rituals, especially “Groundation,” during which Rastafarians reaffirm their beliefs. Among the most famous Rastafarians was legendary Bob Marley.

Details taken from Susan Altman’s “Ency. of Afro.-Amer. Heritage”