Category Archives: WAITING ROOM BLOG

WAITING ROOM BLOG

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

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Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best..

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dip-****,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ….

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS.. My wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

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Clever History Lesson

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The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying; “Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water”.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying; “It’s raining cats and dogs”.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how “canopy beds” came into existence.

The floor was earth – usually hardened by traffic over years. Only the wealthy had something other than earth. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor”.

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a “thresh hold”.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would  eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme; “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that “a man could bring home the bacon”. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat”.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “the upper crust”.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would
wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the
wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ….”dead ringer”.

And that’s the truth. Now, whomever said History was boring!!  Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.

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F A M I L Y

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I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
‘Oh excuse me please’ was my reply.

He said, ‘Please excuse me too;
I wasn’t watching for you.’

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
‘Move out of the way,’ I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn’t realize how harshly I’d spoken.

While I lay awake in bed, God’s still

small voice came to me and said,

‘While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
you’ll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise;
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.’

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
‘Wake up, little one, wake up,’ I said.

‘Are these the flowers you picked for me?’
He smiled, ‘I found ’em, out by the tree.

I picked ’em because they’re pretty like you.
I knew you’d like ’em, especially the blue.’

I said, ‘Son, I’m very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn’t have yelled at you that way.’
He said, ‘Oh, Mom, that’s okay.
I love you anyway.’

I said, ‘Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.’

FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed,
don’t you think?
So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

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Five Life Lessons

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1. – First Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady..
During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz.. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

‘What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?’

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50’s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

‘Absolutely,’ said the professor. ‘In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say ‘hello.’

I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy….

2. – Second Important Lesson – Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:3 0 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 60s’.. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..

It read:
‘Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband’s bedside just before he passed away.. God bless you for helping me and
unselfishly serving others.’

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3. – Third Important Lesson – Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. ‘How much is an ice cream sundae?’ he asked.

‘Fifty cents,’ replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.
‘Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?’ he inquired..

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

‘Thirty-five cents,’ she brusquely replied..

The little boy again counted his coins.

‘I’ll have the plain ice cream,’ he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two quarters and five pennies..

You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip..

4. – Fourth Important Lesson. – The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.

Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5. – Fifth Important Lesson – Giving When it Counts…
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister..

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and
saying, ‘Yes I’ll do it if it will save her.’ As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, ‘Will I start
to die right away’.

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her but he had chosen to save her anyway.

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Christmas Party Memos

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Company Memo
FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:             All Employees
DATE:        October 1, 2009
RE:             Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.  There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along.  And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!  A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:             All Employees
DATE:        October 2, 2009
RE:             Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:             All Employees
DATE:        October 3, 2009
RE:             Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name.  I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:              All Employees
DATE:        October 4, 2009
RE:             Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.  Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM:       Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:             All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:        October 5, 2009
RE:             The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.

They scream when you slice them.  I’ve heard them scream.  I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!

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How old is Grandpa?

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image001

Stay with this — the answer is at the end.  It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, ‘Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

‘       television

‘       penicillin

‘       polio shots

‘       frozen foods

‘       Xerox

‘       contact lenses

‘       Frisbees and

‘       the pill

There were no:

‘       credit cards

‘       laser beams or

‘       ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

‘       pantyhose

‘       air conditioners

‘       dishwashers

‘       clothes dryers

‘       and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

‘      man hadn’t yet walked on the moon

image002
Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together..

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, ‘Sir’.
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, ‘Sir.’

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

image003

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios..

And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with ‘Made in Japan ‘ on it, it was junk

The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, .. .. but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

image004


In my day:

‘       ‘grass’ was mowed,

‘       ‘coke’ was a cold drink,

‘     ‘pot’ was something your mother cooked in and

‘       ‘rock music’ was your grandmother’s lullaby.

‘       ‘Aids’ were helpers in the Principal’s office,

‘      ‘ chip’ meant a piece of wood,

‘       ‘hardware’ was found in a hardware store and

‘     ‘software’ wasn’t even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us ‘old and confused’ and say there is a generation gap. and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old person in mind….you are in for a shock!

Read on to see — pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready ?  

That would be me at only 59 years old.

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THE MAN RULES

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We always hear‘the rules‘
From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down..
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
6. YES and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only IF you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT NEED directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will BE scratched…
We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing,’ We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
17. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.
19. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or MOTOR sports.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

From Reginald Holt

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Obituary printed in the London Times

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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parentalconsent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I’m A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

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Quiz for People Who Know Everything

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This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn’t… These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5… In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way… How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw” and they are all common words. Name two of them…

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar…. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter “S.”

Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside… Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle… The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. Three English words beginning with dw. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses..

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. Lettuce…

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with “S”. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART…. For National Mental Health Day.

You can do your part by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one person.

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BEST POEM IN THE WORLD

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I was shocked, confused, bewildered As I entered Heaven’s door,

Not by the beauty of it all,

Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven

Who made me sputter and gasp–

The thieves, the liars, the sinners,

The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade

Who swiped my lunch money twice.

Next to him was my old neighbor

Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought

Was rotting away in hell,

Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,

Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal?

I would love to hear Your take.

How’d all these sinners get up here?

God must’ve made a mistake.

‘And why’s everyone so quiet,

So somber – give me a clue.’

‘Hush, child,’ He said, ‘they’re all in shock

No one thought they’d be seeing you.’

JUDGE NOT.

Remember…Just going to church doesn’t make you a

Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car ..

Every saint has a PAST…

Every sinner has a FUTURE!

Now it’s your turn…., Share this poem…

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Read this

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John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, ‘If I were any better, I would be twins!’

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, ‘I don’t get it!’

‘You can’t be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?’

He replied, ‘Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or…you can choose to be in a bad mood

I choose to be in a good mood….’

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or…I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or…I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

‘Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,’ I protested.

‘Yes, it is,’ he said. ‘Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It’s your choice how you live your life.’

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, ‘If I were any better, I’d be twins…Wanna see my scars?’

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

‘The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to- be born daughter,’ he replied. ‘Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or…I could choose to die. I chose to live.’

‘Weren’t you scared? Did you lose consciousness?’ I asked.

He continued, ‘…the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read ‘he’s a dead man’. I knew I needed to take action.’

‘What did you do?’ I asked.

‘Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,’ said John. ‘She asked if I was allergic to anything ‘Yes, I replied.’ The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Gravity”

Over their laughter, I told them, ‘I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.’

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude…I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.’ Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

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Clay Balls

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A man was exploring caves by the Seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn’t look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.

He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock . Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!

Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left.

Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!

It’s like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay vessel.

There is a treasure in each and every one of us. If we take the time to get to know that person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way He sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.

May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay May we see the people in our world as God sees them.

I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have with you.. Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel.

APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE

THING YOU HAVE, ESPECIALLY YOUR FRIENDS!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND FRIENDS ARE TOO FEW!

Pass this on to another Clay Ball!!!

Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to MOVE your Feet’

Clay Balls
A man was exploring caves by the Seashore.  In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls.  It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn’t look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him.  As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could.


He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clay balls and it cracked open on a rock .  Inside was a beautiful, precious stone!


Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls.  Each contained a similar treasure.  He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left.


Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves.  Instead of thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!


It’s like that with people.  We look at someone, maybe even ourselves, and we see the external clay vessel.


There is a treasure in each and every one of us.  If we take the time to get to know that person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way He sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.


May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay May we see the people in our world as God sees them.

I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have with you..  Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel.

APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE

THING YOU HAVE, ESPECIALLY YOUR FRIENDS!

LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND FRIENDS ARE TOO FEW!

Pass this on to another Clay Ball!!!
Do not ask the Lord to Guide your Footsteps if you are not willing to MOVE your Feet’

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A Birthday Gift

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday…

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’

The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay….How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

The old man says, ‘Promise you won’t get mad?’

‘I promise I won’t’ she says.

‘I was behind you at McDonalds.’

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HOW GREAT IS TEXAS??!!!

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Author Unknown

Here is a list of actual places to travel in Texas.

Need to be cheered up?

Happy, Texas 79042

Pep , Texas 79353

Smiley , Texas 78159

Paradise , Texas 76073

Rainbow , Texas 76077

Sweet Home , Texas 77987

Comfort , Texas 78013

Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?

Sun City, Texas 78628

Sunrise, Texas 76661

Sunset, Texas 76270

Sundown, Texas 79372

Sunray, Texas 79086

Sunny Side, Texas 77423

Want something to eat?

Bacon , Texas 76301

Noodle , Texas 79536

Oatmeal , Texas 78605

Turkey , Texas 79261

Trout , Texas 75789

Sugar Land , Texas s 77479

Salty, Texas 76567

Rice , Texas 75155

And top it off with: Sweetwater , Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!

Detroit , Texas 75436

Colorado City , Texas 79512

Denver City , Texas 79323

Nevada , Texas 75173

Memphis , Texas 79245

Miami , Texas 79059

Boston , Texas 75570

Santa Fe , Texas 77517

Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861

Reno , Texas 75462

Feel like traveling outside the country? Don’t bother buying a plane ticket!

Athens , Texas 75751

Canadian , Texas 79014

China , Texas 77613

Egypt , Texas 77436

Turkey , Texas 79261

London , Texas 76854

New London , Texas 75682

Paris , Texas 75460

Italy not far from Dallas

No need to travel to Washington D.C.

Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!

Earth, Texas 79031

And a city named after our State!

Texas City, Texas 77590

Exhausted?

Energy, Texas 76452

Cold?

Blanket, Texas

Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?

Santa Anna, Texas

Goliad, Texas

Alamo, Texas

Gun Barrel City, Texas

Need Office Supplies?

Staples, Texas 78670

Men are from Mars, woman are from

Venus, Texas 76084

You guessed it… it’s on the state line..

Texline, Texas 79087

For the kids…

Kermit , Texas 79745

Elmo , Texas 75118

Nemo , Texas 76070

Tarzan , Texas 79783

Winnie , Texas 77665

Sylvester , Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile….. :

Frognot , Texas 75424

Bigfoot , Texas 78005

Hogeye , Texas 75423

Cactus , Texas 79013

Notrees , Texas 79759

Best, Texas 76932

Veribest , Texas 76886

Kickapoo , Texas 75763

Dime Box, Texas

Telephone , Texas 75488

Telegraph , Texas 76883

Whiteface , Texas 79379

Twitty, Texas 79079

Valentine, Texas 79854

West, Texas

And last but not least. The Anti-Al Gore City

Kilgore , Texas 75662

“Muleshoe”, Texas

“Cut n shoot”, Texas

“Hoop And Holler”, Texas

“Ding Dong”, Texas

and don’t forget……

And get up at: Early, Texas

Farewell , Texas

Have a Good Day!

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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes

harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When

you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than

an oversensitive20woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,

Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a

full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we

needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I

usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest

for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to

take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the

Men’s Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub

when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s

not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening

that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to

motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed…

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say

that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch

hour. But, Boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I

tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much…

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you

know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points…

When doing simple jobs; she seems to think she20needs more rest periods. She

had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a

scene. I’m a fair man… I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed

lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as

well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne.

I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.

Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they

get older.

However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your

aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR’S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report

says he was found wit

h a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his

rear end, with

barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife

Carol Anne was

arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to

find her Not

Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking,

accidentally sat down on his

golf club.

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